I just want to scream...

HELP ME!

Can't you see I'm in trouble?

Can't you see I need support?

Can't you see I hate myself?

Can't you see I wish I was dead sometimes?

No.

Because everyone is blind.

Crutch-less?

With my obsessions with both food and alcohol, I often wonder...can anyone make it through life without a crutch?

Relationships

I have been thinking a lot about different types of relationships.

Is it reasonable to expect to get everything you need from one lifelong relationship? Is it better to be a serial monogamist? Or is it better to be a polygamist? Or polyamorist (sp)?

I think people shy away from polygamy and polyamory because they are afraid. Afraid of jealousy. What if "Bob" loves "Sue" more than he loves me? What if "Jane" loves "John" more than she loves me?

I don't really think it's about the amount of love bestowed upon each person, but rather the type of love. Bob may love Sue for her sense of humor and practicality - but he may love Jane for her spontaneity and ability to make him feel at ease even in a crowd of people. Jane may love John for his kindness and intelligence - but she may love Bob for his common sense and love of the outdoors.

People should learn not to fear different relationships - whether it's heterosexual, homosexual, monogamous, or polygamous. People love people in many different ways, and that just seems to be the way it is!

Not so observant

She walked into the room.

But no one noticed her.

It wasn't that she was ordinary. Her hair was a unique mixture of red, brown, and blonde. Her eyes looked like sunflowers in a green field. She walked with her back straight, but her eyes were occasionally cast down. She walked around the room, observing the people who did not observe her.

No one noticed her.

Did it matter to her that she seemed isolated in a room full of people? No. She wondered why she should have to change so that her personality would blend well with those around her. Why should she change when they did not have to?

And still no one noticed her.

But she did not care.

She did not need to people to notice her because she noticed herself.

There's nothing worse...

...than feeling like you don't belong anywhere.

Except maybe the feeling that people just put up with you because they feel like they have to.

Decisions to be made...

I don't think therapy is for me. After 2-ish months, I don't think I've really gotten anything out of it. All I do is rehash the past...because that's what she wants me to do. I'm not interested in reliving painful memories of things I can't change.

She calls me "stoic." I just accept things are the way they are. The past cannot be changed, my family will not change...some things, no matter how much you wish they could be different, will never ever change.

I think I will tell her tomorrow that I won't be coming back.

But I seriously hate confrontation.

ugh.

Procrastination - Therapy Style

So I've been going to therapy for awhile now...8 weeks, one appointment per week. Finally today I talked at length about my family. She thought that was sort of strange. She says usually people come in and automatically just start going on and on and on about their families.

I wonder why (as did my psychologist) it took 8 weeks to talk extensively about them. I think I just don't like to think about it. And as long as I don't talk about it, I don't have to think about it.

I guess it's a good thing I'm seeing a psychologist.

Clarification

Hmmm...maybe I should have been more clear in my previous post. I don't believe in offending people just for the sake of offending people. I think that would be ridiculous.

I am, however, tired of not voicing my thoughts and/or opinions because people often find my general viewpoints offensive.

That's what this is about. At least, I think it is. I haven't really decided yet.

You know what's difficult?

Breaking the habit of monitoring everything you say because you're afraid someone you know might read it.

No one but me knows I started this blog. But I still automatically censor what I say so I will offend the least amount of people.

Well, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.

One thing I've noticed that's offended lots of people? Asking why you have to love family just because they're your family.

I don't think you should have to love people because they have the same DNA as you. A fair amount of people are assholes. Odds are, you're going to be related to at least one of them.